To Learn While Unlearning
You aren't taking up unnecessary space in people's lives if they continue to have you in these
It’s the 1st of July, 2022. During these days, I would spend time with family to celebrate my dad’s birthday. However, today’s celebration is different. As my parents continue to enjoy their vacation in Paris, I’m left to suffer in isolation.
The moment I saw the antigen test turn positive on the 26th of June, 2022, I remember being sent to the sanctuary of my room. Although I originally made plans to hang out with the friends I haven’t seen in a while, I found myself happy staying at home — food being sent to my room like I’m royalty; bed turned messy from the endless hours lying on it; a PC constantly used to play Valorant and not bother with college work.
The life I was dreading turned out to be amazing. It isn’t like I disliked seeing my friends or anything; I’m pretty sure they hated me.
A month ago, I thought I would be saying farewell to all the friends I’ve made. No, it isn’t because I wanted to end my life then and there (although I would hate to admit that remains a constant lingering thought), but more because I wasn’t bringing anything relevant to them. Somehow, I’ve managed to condition myself into believing that every relationship I have is a give-and-take dynamic — whatever I do must bring some form of benefit to them. Now, it doesn’t sound very give-and-take of me after all.
When I arrived at the idea that I couldn’t offer anything to the table, I figured that the current relationships I had were pointless in their eyes. It felt as if I was taking up unnecessary space in their lives. Although no one has ever said those words to me, I’m inclined to believe that I have burdened people with my mere existence. It does sound self-deprecating and annoying, but it’s the mindset I long believe in.
It’s easy to say to get to the root of the problem, but the whole process of it is exhausting on so many levels. Finding out the cause of such a mindset is easier said than done — there still comes a whole other process of unlearning these.
I remember how close I was to blocking everyone out of my socials. As I stared at my first victim’s profile with my thumb hovering over the block button, it all felt so liberating. During the time of the pandemic, it feels a lot easier to get rid of people; it’s not like I’m going to see these people anytime soon. I had every opportunity to follow through with my plans. And yet, I never did it.
It should have been easy for someone with social anxiety to push through with such plans. Somehow, I thought I was getting rid of the root of the problem. And yet, instead of pressing that button, I dropped my phone and cried that moment. An experience that felt so liberating had made me realize that I had turned into an asshole.
I’ve conditioned myself into believing that I had to part ways with my friends, but they are impossible to let go of. Despite how easy it is to be the asshole and end my relationships for no rational reason, they don’t deserve it. If anything, they deserve all the time and love in the world — though it may be through a rational reason behind all this chaos that whirls inside me.
Although I love spending time in isolation with things that continue to interest me, this period in my life is proof that I cannot thrive alone. If anything, they are living proof of why I thrive with them. Despite all the social anxiety telling me to pack it up and disappear from the face of the earth, I find myself cherishing these specks of time with these people I’ve grown to love and care for immensely.
I cannot explain these thoughts that continue to reside in me — they continue to eat me up and take control of me. Yet, I know well enough that my friends are not people who think of me any less than the light I continue to view myself under as. These people who I care for from the bottom of my heart love me just as much as I do with them. It’s still something I’m trying to learn just as I unlearn these harmful mindsets I’ve grown up with, but it’s a process I’m slowly taking.
With that, I leave you with Laufey’s beautifully-written lyrics from “Best Friend.” In times like these, I remember just how much of an impact every single relationship has made on the person I am today.
It's come to my attention
That I don't show enough
Of what I think
It's only when I drink, I open up
But I promise that I love youIt's funny 'cause you drive me half insane
A universe without you would be thoroughly mundane
There's no one else I'd rather fall in love with
And that is my best friend in the world
Acknowledgments and Other Notes
Today’s post is an amalgamation of past thoughts and new lessons. If anything, I have to thank Obi for being the one person that has continued to stay. I hope you know that 6,795 miles won’t ever stop me from feeling at home with you — these calls and random mentions will always keep me company despite your soon-to-be absence.
Along with that, I would like to thank Son for being someone I could trust and vent to these days. Our conversations will remain a secret, but I’m so glad that 8 years of our friendship will forever be stored in Messenger.
I also have to thank CAAAMPST and Ki for being prominent figures to keep me company during my isolation period. Although I still live under the shackles of my room, it feels nice to still have people who actively look out for me and spend time with me online.
On that note, I might go back to occasionally streaming video games on my Twitch! I’ve done some test runs of playingValorant while streaming, and I’m glad to say it works. Along with that, I’ve been listening to a lot of Rina Sawayama and Laufey these days… it feels amazing.
Please do excuse any wrong grammar found on this post as I am still getting used to the groove of writing this newsletter. Again, thank you to all my friends for sticking with me.
i hope you know that i feel and enjoy your presence no matter how far we are and i will love you regardless!! 🥺 get well soon 🥺